Ferrari Mailing List: joke: Michael Schumacher

[Jason Polzer (jason]

http://www.planet-f1.com/News/Story_Page/0,15909,3210_3262_1807551,00.html

Snipped from above Michael Schumacher diary:

"The good news - as you may have been reading on your websites - is that 
I will be taking a strong interest in the technical side of race 
weekends and helping to analyse the data as it is logged. Luca 
Baldiserri's team will send me all the information from the cars so I 
can give my Schumi input.

At least this is the story they are giving to the press.

*In fact, I will be driving the Kimi Raikkonen car.*

Many moonies ago journalist (and one of the world's biggest ****holes) 
Andrew Davies almost discovered the best kept secret it in Formula 1. 
Kimi Raikkonen is not a real person. He is in fact a robot. Davies 
started calling Kimi "RoboKimi" on account of the way that he spoke like 
a speak-your-weight machine.

If you asked him a question he only had one of three responses, just 
like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator. This is because he only 
has a number of words programmed in, with no variation in tone. Also, he 
never shows emotion.

To make him seem less like a robot the McLaren team invented all sorts 
of stories about his extreme and wild naughtiness - that he liked to go 
binge drinking with his mates and that he tried to expose himself at a 
lap-dancing club. This was all a covering story. I can reveal that he 
did not drink to excessive and smash bottles after races, they put him 
in a crate with the car and shipped him home.

Now that he has moved to the Ferrari team, it is our chance to operate him.
And so, during grands prix, they will give me a virtual Ferrari cockpit 
to drive in at Vufflens Le Chateau. This will be linked to several 
high-definition cameras on the race car, so I will be able to see the 
road ahead and the cars behind. The perfect simulator in fact.

I can spend my grands prix in air conditioned luxury, sip cocktails 
during pit-stops and even finish early if I am a long way in front. It 
is a great way to go racing. "